what to sya to dad who is 90
The Ethicist
Can You lot Proceed a Adult female From Courting Your Elderly Dad?
We are a large family, and our father is in his 80s. Our mother died several years ago, so our father moved into an upscale retirement community. A handsome, successful, charming admirer with plenty of money in the banking concern, he was an instant striking with the ladies. From the beginning, he was seriously pursued, merely he always kept it light.
Two years ago, a manager of my dad's retirement community began to single him out for special attending. She is in her 60s, flirtatious and attractive. She dresses stylishly, and in many ways she reminds us of our mom: upbeat and vivacious.
At first, we were pleased that Dad had someone in his life. They would go to luncheon or dinner two or three times a calendar week; Dad paid for everything. Sometimes we saw them giggling similar kids in the hall. Information technology was overnice to see Dad so happy. We know he missed our mom. There was but one snag: The retirement customs prohibits dating between residents and staff members. So Dad and the adult female kept their human relationship underground.
Terminal twelvemonth, Dad constitute out he had cancer. The adult female seemed devastated. She started to drive his motorcar when they went on dates, considering Dad is also medically compromised.
Well — and you knew this was coming — equally nosotros've learned more about her, we are becoming concerned. Get-go we learned that she has been married several times. Then one solar day, after my male parent picked up some OxyContin pills for his cancer pain, she exclaimed that she could use a few of them for her ain pain, and my dad gave her a scattering.
This was bad, merely information technology got worse. Dad has confessed that she now "wants more" from the relationship. He says he'southward "stalling," merely who knows what that means? I idea about reporting the adult female to her employer — asking a resident for narcotics seems similar a gross upstanding violation — merely my dad, being a admirer, would claim that he offered them to her or possibly fifty-fifty deny it happened. And it may all be moot, considering side by side month she starts a new chore several miles away. (She plans to drive over to see Dad often.)
Our dad is not isolated. All of u.s. children visit frequently. He has hundreds of email friends and exchanges multiple messages every twenty-four hours. He has old colleagues who come to take him to luncheon. Just none of united states can provide the delightful frisson of romance. We know that. I wish I thought this woman really loved my dad, but I don't. In fact, final month an onetime friend of the family, who knows both my dad and the woman, asked if she had "gotten any money yet." Obviously this homo one time dated her, and yes, she asked him for money, and he gave information technology to her.
I practice remember she really likes Dad and maybe even cares for him. Merely I also think she sees a payoff. My dad is a smart, pragmatic guy, merely he'south shut to 90 and a flake dislocated at times. He is more vulnerable than he knows, and I worry that she might be pressuring him for money or even to alter his volition. He has shared his will openly with us in the by and was generous to us all. Only information technology has been a yr at present, and he says only, "Y'all will all exist taken care of." We're in our late 50s and 60s, so such a promise is meaningful. But given her age, the woman is likewise looking at her own retirement. And given the life she has led, information technology's conceivable that she might view Dad equally her last chance for a payday, especially now that he is starting to accept cerebral challenges (which he would deny).
Dad admits that she "has a lot of problems." Nosotros doubtable that some of these problems involve money and that, being a gallant man, Dad might exist tempted to solve them.
Nosotros tease him about existence the adjacent husband, but we are seriously scared that if the infatuation continues, and she volition practise her best to come across that it does, she volition manipulate him into irresolute his will or we could observe ourselves with a new stepmother. Nobody wants to hurt Dad, so nosotros say nothing. What is the upstanding thing to do? Name Withheld
Life seldom gives us the sharp lines we look for. In particular, as we get older and our cognitive capacities fade, there's no precipitous line between existence able to wait after ourselves and needing other people to take over. Your male parent sounds equally though he is budgeted that transition, while remaining on the better side of it, at least about of the fourth dimension. So you tin surely take these issues upwardly with him. Have you lot told him all you know about his friend? You don't say. If you accept, he may well think that you're just wrong virtually her motives. And he does, after all, know her better than you do. It is worrying, I agree, that she has been breaching the terms of her employment and taking some of his drugs. But reporting the dalliance to her employers or the OxyContin episode to the authorities would be profoundly disrespectful to your male parent.
In relationships, of form, the truth matters. All the same much fun they have together, there's something badly incorrect if she is thinking of him fundamentally as a source of funds and he doesn't know this. But fun matters, also, and your father could exist willing to accept her attentions while knowing that her affections are tinctured past venal motives. If that is the case, they may each, to some extent, be playing the other.
What about your own motives? You express two related concerns: that his volition may be inverse in a manner unfavorable to y'all or that yous will end up with a new stepmother. But while your father is compos mentis, each outcome is inside his legal and moral rights. (If he isn't competent when testamentary decisions are made, you can challenge the will.) As for dealing with a new stepmother? Given that, as you lot suggest, they are happy together, she is unlikely to try to proceed you lot away from him. And then there's no reason to doubt that you can continue to play a loving, supportive function in his life.
I am a 52-year-onetime professional who recently began wearing hearing aids to assist with mild degenerative hearing loss. The devices are fairly inconspicuous, simply even then, they occasionally cause raised eyebrows and what I, at least, register as pity. (Information technology's surprising that when someone my age wears glasses, it doesn't get the aforementioned negative reaction.)
I am contemplating a career movement. Would it exist ethical for me to interview without wearing the hearing aids so as not to harm my chances of securing a new task? My hearing is plain improve with the devices in, but I'm willing to forgo them if it will help me land a new position.
My main concern is the reaction of my superiors if I were to show upward on my first day at work with the hearing aids in my ears. I wouldn't want them to experience "baited and switched," but at the same fourth dimension I don't want to give them the opportunity to reject my candidacy (illegally, I know) on grounds of a perceived physical deficiency during the interview. S.P.
By leaving your hearing aids at home, you would be depriving your prospective employers of information that they are prohibited, both legally and morally, from interim on. You lot would also be demonstrating that you didn't trust them to do the right thing, which, if you were hired, would become clear in one case you showed up for work with the hearing aids. That may indeed crusade some displeasure, and your welcome could be less than warm. So again, if your assessment of the situation is correct, information technology's a position you might otherwise have been wrongly denied. So leave them off, if you similar; you'll have plenty of opportunity to evidence your employers that they fabricated a wise choice.
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/26/magazine/can-you-keep-a-woman-from-courting-your-elderly-dad.html
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